Fuck Frumkeit

Let it just go fly A faraway kite to never never land.
Happy New Year.
So I think the perfect theme for 2008 or at least part of the proverbial perfect theme is "fuck frumkeit",and its fun to say too !
I would also like to take this opportunity,to start the beginning of a fresh, focused and frumkeit free new year with a thank you note. This thank you note goes out in particular to all the. condescending,haughty meanspirited,innately insecure and utterly fake frummies that have somehow descended their way into my life over the years for whatever reasons.All of you in particular have been my inspiration for this unique "fuck frumkeit" theme.I couldn't have learnt what I did without you pious saints gone screwy.

The sincerely sneaky saintly screwballs were quite the lesson conveyers.The smooth jazz lessons of misplaced piety is the gift that keeps on teaching.
I want to especially thank a particular pious screwball who taught me all I need to know about corrupt frumkeit and the saint like traits of sincerely frum screwballs. I couldn't have shaped my perspectives without you. And for this I am ever grateful.

Its a shame most of you probally won't ever even read this note of sincere hakaros hatov.

"fuck frumkeit"is the new spiritual reawakening.

May the new year be the kind of year you want it to be.

What Color is Your Loophole

Inspiration can be found everywhere, you just need to know what your looking for.
Card in point : A focused organized display card of cheerful material loopholes in a Garment/Fashion District window is believed to be the material spark of inspiration behind the "What color is your Loophole" initiative , initially started to promote a deeper understanding on the real role color plays in the shelf life /general stamina levels and legal durability of a given loophole.
Its a colorful day indeed for Loophole Lovers all Over !!!!
Loophole Lovers everywhere will finally be able to incorporate an innate sense of bold color and irresistable flirty fashion into their unique unquenchable quests for the proverbial loophole.
Whether it be obligation free outcomes/narrow escapes/misconstrued ambiguity/shifting the burden of proof over/alternative choices and plan b or c , a limited number of versatile loopholes will now be availabe in varying shades and hues to complement mood and emotional energy.
Currently, the most readily available loophole color - Ambiguous Amber is beginning to give jaded Loophole Lookers & Locators a musty sense of deja moo and subliminal vitamin deficiency messaging.
Varying shades and hues of readily available loophole color should prove to be the facelift, droopy loopholes in limbo desperately need. And in the process merrily promote a whole new sense of potential opportunity optimism and 100% responsiblity free living.

Happy Loophole Loving and Locating !!!!!!

ABC Windows of Wonder

No one does window decor and color coordinated concepts like ABC Carpet and Home

Tenacious Stella Tina in Tinsel & Stilettos

The Learned Loophole Lassoer/Hug Giver & The Unraveling Strip of Runaway Tinsel Trim (a random piece of holiday tinsel fiction)

Once upon a time in a faraway tinsel town, in a gaudily elegant enclave, there lived a happy go lucky piece of iridescent tinsel trim.

Her full name was Tenacious Stella Tina in Tinsel & Stilettos.
Tenacious Tina was no ordinary strip of sparkly tinsel, replete with less than ordinary aspirations and ideologies.
She changed rooftops/evergreen hedges and bar shelves/bottles often. And managed to do quite well as a dazzling decorative trim intern at the world renowned Sincerely Sparkly Holiday Décor and Dazzle Inc.
Successfully decorating the holiday season in quite a number of different venues and cities over the seasons.
Like any piece of tinsel, Tina in Tinsel encountered all sorts of loopholes/ screwy pieces of corrupt plywood/moldy moldings/polite potholes/warm embraces/comforting hugs/tipsy trippings/cold fireplaces/plastic & real fir trees and even the occasional competitive Urban Outfitter pink and aquamarine colored tinsel trees.
She managed to keep in contact with some of the precious encounters, others were sometimes forgotten about, some she left ,some wanted her to stay, some let go of her, some glittered down on her glaringly when she sounded dim, some adored her for the wrong reasons, while others just used her until she sparkled smarter.
Holiday decorations can be quite competitive.
Insecurity runs rampant it seems, even in tinsel town.
But most of the loopholes and potholes that happened along in tinsel studded Tina’s sparkle trimmed life were mostly just placed about by a higher authority without any known rhyme or reason, but ample opportunity for much else.
Tina in Tinsel missed many many opportunities and often wondered if any of those missed opportunities was actually destiny himself all dressed up.

As the seasons turned into other seasons, Tina felt some of her inner tinsel giving way without much pull and her stilettos were getting kind of wobbly. And it seems as though the laws governing tinsel like analytical loophole negotiating were taking a turn for rigidly stricter. Intricate loophole insights were dismissed and treated as a mere nuisance by higher ups. Concepts that were questionable had been ordained has hard cold facts.

The emotional tinsel and sparkle laws were changing and objectives and goals were getting hazier than a foggy shade of gray. And disconcertingly subjective too it seemed on a conjecturing level.
Tenacious Tina was losing core tear stained tinsel beliefs at every decorative loop turn in life.
Her once sparkly outlooks were dazed and almost confused and generally in a dizzy tizzy.
Why were loopholes losing their inherent value? How could she survive on the threadbare facts presented in colorless foreign languages with equally poor translations? She thrived on analytical & colorful hardcore source explanations not colorless mundane opinionated analysis not up for discussion.

Sincerely Sparkly Holiday Décor and Dazzle Inc. was in the midst of shifting its entire mission statement and marketing campaign towards the Midwest and the general target audience were the elderly Sadie’s and Dorothy’s and middle aged Barbara’s and Samantha’s and their laid back agreeable husbands and their school aged well behaved kids in suburbia.

Life was comfortable in sneakers.
Spartan & Sensible was the new Tinsel & Sparkle.

Tina in Tinsel was losing her old place and there wasn’t much room for potential in her new space. And her costume was starting to fade from lack of use. Her stilettos were not happy in their new position either.Her material costume was the only change she understood.

Inner life changes were not the kind of changes Tina in Tinsel processed very well if at all.
Trimming/streamlining/minimal effort and doing away with that which does not need to be addressed was the mission statement her company seemed to be adopting.
The sparkle / intrinsically tinsel outlooks and bona fide evergreen fir findings were being readily dismissed. Material focus was not encouraged.

Attempts had been made to classify some of the more colorful outrageous loopholes insights concepts under: faux colored paste sequins and tardy sage green plastic outlooks for sample sale use only. There had been subtle murmurings and hints to a general gradual shift from outrageous creative décor/ trim /glitter/ tinsel and color to mainstream holiday bake treats//paperwork/functional lawn ornaments /recipe gift sets and a concerted emphasis on customer feedback and mainstream satisfaction.

Tenacious Tina in Tear Stained Tinsel and Tottering Stilettos felt parts of her material namesake slowly slipping away into the past as she tossed her unstable stilettos into the trash can and continued on one barefoot in front of other splashing noiselessly in the warm rainy city sidewalk. Her tears blended in effortlessly with the raindrops . She secretly hoped the changes in store for her inner self had somehow managed mend with the teardrops and meld into the afternoon puddles.

She worried about the new space in life she was trying to conform to.

She wondered why she was trying to conform and how it even made sense.
What if one mundane, Monday morning she went into a bitterly bland faux fur like spiritual foreclosure seizure and tripped over a bake sale and tall pile of papers for filing and fell into a nearby polite pothole or lanky loophole.

Would she even know if she falls into the ambiguous medium sized polite pot hole named mediocrity?
Succumbing to the harsh light of the anti glitter glare and the fumes of ruined cake bakes/lady aide societies/customer service/sensible accounting rhetoric and related tedious tasks.
She imagined she would eventually lose all her carefully cultivated/hardcore caring tinsel outlooks and argument oriented sparkly perspectives in one fell swoop.

As Tina in Tinsel sat in the rain drenched park, stiletto less, watching her tinsel and sparkle material costume come apart at the seams, she tried to imagine what G-d had in mind when he created her.

Did he want her working for a friendly mainstream midwest holiday decor company.

A snarky funky caring downtown holiday decor company

Did he want her decorating and adorning vodka bottles on bar shelves.

G-d did create tinsel and sparkle for a reason.

What sobered Tina in Tinsel mostly though as she sobbed, shedding sparkles of tear stained tinsel all over the polite piece of corrupt plywood she was trying to decorate, was the hardcore realization that her “Learned Loophole Lassoer” won’t always be able to catch her and hug her.
And growing up /responsibility/hardcore change and other uncomfortable shifts of life were waiting right around the corner.
Whether she wanted to turn the corner was actually irrelevant.
The corner with all its changes was ready to come meet her all the way if need be.
She sobbed harder real tinsel tears, as she attempted to create her own loopholes and matching loophole catcher using the tearstained pieces of iridescent tinsel.
She didn’t have enough tinsel for matching “excuse filled” handkerchiefs.

As the tear stained tinsel pieces dried off, she broke off the piece of corrupt plywood and constructively spelled out “words can never spell how thankful I am for the loophole lassoing / locating/hard long hugs & especially for the tinsel dream catcher(ing) and insights”.
Tearstained Loophole Tinsel, it turns out was the perfect thank you card font.

The plaque remains on the Learned Loophole Lassoer and Hug giver's fireplace mantel to this day where it serves as a constant reminder of the importance of tear stained tinsel loopholes,and most of all the implicit importance of the Learned Loophole Lassoer and life photographer fixing tinsel outlooks/hug giving and catching and fixing the moments before all the tinsel wears off and there is nothing left to photograph. For all this Tina in Tinsel is especially thankful this holiday season.

Merry Christmas!

Dear G-d

Dear G-d,
Why Me?
Couldnt you have picked someone a little more qualified, to do the job,especially the tedious mundane tasks that insist on acting as the gift that keeps on working? Just curious.
It would also help if the mission statement was just a tad less opaque.
Also the rampant myopic inlay and optimistic opal underpinnings on accepted opinions are way over the top.
Pippi Longstocking would probally have a hard time with that.
Pollyana opining is not something I understand emotionally.

Love
an ex-spiritual employee

The oh sooo Likeable Lickable Liquor

So its that time of year again....... on the merry go round of life.
Merriment and merry making make the world go round.
Dont drink and decide though, the ability to reckon is rendered useless or impaired when all liquored up and puckered out.
Have a merry month.

November's Poinsettia's in the Park

The sun gets tired way too early these days.
At Bryant Park, the holiday festivities are in full swing on the tanning grass patch . And the merry go round is all decked out in poinsettia planters and ribbon. I should check out the holiday boutiques.
I love the holiday season and the sparkle and glitter it has to offer.
I just cant believe November 2007 is over.It was just July.
Where did all the minutes go ?

Petunia's in the Park

Seems like only yesterday,when the Bryant Park sun was finally strong enough to tan under even after work.

It radiated those strong comforting rays of warmth straight through till sunset, as the petulant petunias in clay pots did the slow dance downards,trailing towards the pavement.

I dont especially like, the bitter cold windy and rainy replacement weather.And my tan is fading faster than a spent purple petunia petal.

The sequined non-sequitur sparkling in the window

There is something so refreshing about bolts of iridescent sequins in a window wishing everyone a sparkly good morning in sparkle dust english. Other than an SSRI, It also functions as the ultimate morning, material non sequitur all showcased in window.Sidetracking fickle cubicle dwellers, dwelling on missed opportunities/ reading current blackberry to do lists or just hurrying along in a pointedly pedestrian fashion, against the early morning sunlight of just another mundane monday morning.

But as the hurried footsteps fade away into the dim lit lobbies, another successful day has begun anew, fueled for the most part by the focused rush towards absolute existential functionalism.

Who on earth wants to keep on going rigidly straight on straightlaced street to the cubicle, when you got all this sparkly material flirting at you in the window,beckoning creatively and promising opportunity,creativity,infinity,eternity and a life of sparkle and sequins.

The morning, walk in the city, towards the cubicle is sooo hard.

There is never any time to read the horoscope from the complimentary paper of the morning either. Its always good to know the personal energy forecast for the day.It seems clear, in a serendipity kind of way, that the horoscope from the paper thats handed to me personally in the morning, is the proper horoscope to guage the days relative success or failure rate off of.

How often in life do you get the morning paper handed to you just for being you ?

As for the i'm such a sucker for sequins situation.
I guess the answer for now would be the sequined panel cubicle initiative.
I've started with the first panel, its kind of inspiring and just gives the more mundane tasks that sequined starry halo when you start spacing out.

Its kind of a sequined check system making sure the focus doesnt stray very far.

Wasting minutes at work is never a good thing.

The only sidetrack trouble I still have in my morning routine, is getting past the lobby and all its holiday decor.
Its definitely a sparkle dust and colored light heart throb.

There should be allowances made for tardiness during the holiday season.

Rumination Flavored Rum & Memorable Memoirs

The Shalom Auslander is sooo my super hero writer of the week.
I loved his pieces in Nerve/Nextbook/The New Yorker and elsewhere.
His new book Foreskins Lament sounds like quite the memorable memoir.
His unique presentation, profound opinings /sardonic perspectives are a smooth blend of trusty truisms/realistic plasticity/ soul stripping & searching/ unorthodox humor and rumination flavored rum.
Rumination flavored rum when mixed with the proper levels of profound in-depth analysis/ unhappy happenstance's of the past/,and plenty of outrageous writing talent makes for quite the quintessential must purchase memoir.

Savor the Sand Art before the Sun Shines Weak

I guess its time to do the last few sex on the beach imbibings /stoned sand dances and trippy stone steppings, before the icy cold coat of winter, renders the sun's rays weak and the warm beach weather fickle.

I Adore Duane Reade Drug Stores

I have a huge consumer oriented crush on Duane Reade drug stores.
For me, its that ubiquitious symbol and source of comfort and convenience .
Always open for me in my time of need.
And generally hanging out on every corner.I have my favorite ones in all parts of the city.And there are so many happy helpers on the shelves to choose from.Color shopping for happiness has never been easier.
From "wine not" ruby red nailpolish to urban fiction.
From holiday decor to heart shaped stickies, colored pushpins to digital pictures.
Early morning hot tamales, midday water or way way past midnight munchie snacks.
Drunk or sober, in club clothes/east river wear or work clothes.
Duane Reade drug store's doors are always open, even for a quick coors.NYC is awesome like that.

Rebbitzin Urban Bourbon

Happy Birthday Rebbitzin Urban Bourbon Boozin Janey ,
May your life be full of love and laughs, the kind of laughs experienced wholeheartedly in certain urban pubs with english lads that dont actually live in lofts.
Time really does run along when your imbibing with the spiritual based rums and biblical liquors........
Dont fall in or anything that rebbiztin brew can get quite intoxicating and stuff.

The price of enlightening lanterns/prayer/hyper and joyless jostling

So aside from the contradicting connotations associated with Paying For The Ability To Pray, I havent been able to sit in a synagogue for many years mostly cuz I have "the attention span of a watermelon pit".(metaphor thanks in full to happily married ex boyfriend Sh. , who coined that phrase one night in exasperation mode)
Usually I do adderall for focusing but I've run out of it and havent been able to employ the benefits of a drugged up personality-less self for Rosh Hashanaing.
So I just managed to mouth some Aveinu Malkeinus before sunset yesterday.
I'm feeling sort of saddened that I have no spiritual strength or faith to will more prayer mouthing and or should've made the effort to listen to a shofar blowing somewhere.

My father would not approve.

I didnt even get a friendly reminder call this year, I think he gave up on my spirituality which is kinda sadder and uplifting in a religion is for rigid pea brains resistant to plasticity anyway kind of way .

He is brilliant, but never understood that his caring about my spirituality doesnt really affect my spiritual-less self much.Neither did his friendly reminder calls before major holidays and fasts.

I guess I've developed a more acute sense of disillusioned dissarray since I've been jostling my sense of spirituality around diligently and religiously and have managed to jiggle and niggle my soul to a precarious and ambiguous point of general disenchantment.Which is an annoying state of enchantment to function under.
And there are no summs of many awes creating any sense of awesome or even awe inducing.
None.
Oh except my little baby nephew's expression when contemplating the tall patch of colorful zinnias from his little perch on the grass patch.Total unadulterated awe. And then he put his hyper/ trusting little self down to rest on my shoulders, his eyes drooping from tiredness.
Life is tiring like that, but baby nephews are adorable,I dont even need kids really.

Happy Holy Holidays !

Rabbi Urban B. Bourbon

If I had to pick a name for a rabbi I would probally choose :
"Rabbi Urban B. Bourbon" .

It just has the perfect bling bling ring to it. I also like the connotations.

Will you be my Rabbi ?

Of Dangling Danburites/Enlightened Rhodolites and Twinkling Tanzanites

So basically we all function as rough rock, trying to fix/ facet/smooth/twinkle/dazzle and sparkle our way towards perfection.
Some have the privilege of gracing the awesome windows of ABC Carpet and Home (see above pic). Other less fortunate rock are forced to roam cubicledom dealing with insecure rock associates.
The question is what kind of rock are we pretending to twinkle/flirt/ function/aspire to inspire as and or incorporate as part of our lasting legacy.
Some Sparkling White Sapphires and Dashing Young Danburites like to pretend they are just Dazzling Diamonds in the rough.
Rambunctious Rhodolites and Blushing Garnets sometimes yearn to have the haughtiness of World Renowned Rubies.
And there are Sneaky Tanzaniques that adopt Twinkling Tanzanite as part of their namesake.
Why always that innate need to integrate and pretend/adopt the characteristics of the more well known gemstones of society.
Wouldnt it make more sense to work on faceting /fixing and or enhancing the rock you were created as, in the enviroment most conducive to personal spiritual rock growth.
Diamonds/Rubies/Emeralds and Sapphires are not the only segments of society one should aspire to belong to. Instead of the many other gemstone segments of society working so hard to belong to segments that are clearly out of spiritual reach with the more than occasional ethical breach, why not work on creating new gemstone named society segments and communities.

And or creative ways to function as the rock your were created as.
There really is no need for skeptical pink topaz to have to pretend to be sparkling pink sapphire/and definitely not twinkling pink diamonds.But that shouldnt stop skeptical pink topaz from decorating her life with twinkling pink diamonds for inner equilbrium.

And lets not forget the fun fact that "in the rough" is the new "fully faceted".
No more worries about being too rough and unrefined, you can now decorate your life around the rough edges with diamonds /sparkly sapphires/twinkling tanzanites or mature tourmaline ,enhancing the rough rock of life with the sparkly decor of your choice. I believe the core changes through spiritual gemstone osmosis or diffusion.

I pick alei shure as the pink diamonds to decorate my unrefined life as a rough piece of jaded topaz.

The Art That Is Spiritual Graffiti Studded Subway Halls & Streets

Spirituality is quite the rampant wannabe cure for urban banalism in NYC it seems.
Subway halls are adorned with messages of hope and sparkle deep into the winter.
Spiritual advisors are hawking their wares/phamphlets and new & improved bibles around every corner. Ambitious prophets and spirited saviors never tire treading up and down the streets, religiously, rounding corners with their loud messages of hope/ punishment/ hell to pay and heaven forbid.
Some set up permanent residental corners of hope on pieces of pavement and microphone their mindsets and piercing point of views 24/7.
Even Blackbird hawking person seems to be birdcalling to a spirit of another feather.
Do these people ever tire of delivering the same message of spiritual hope to the scores of oblivious /disinterested/ aloof cubicle goers and corner office dwellers doing the park for their lunch minutes.
Yesterday, an indian religion guru spent 15 minutes expounding on his philosophies and then presented me with my very own hard cover version of a new version of I forget which bible. He offered this expensive bible without even knowing if I intended to donate a nickle or a twenty.
A pure example of faith in the masses and in the G-d they are promoting .
What drives these guys to believe so hard in the philosophies they're spouting rigidly and religiously, day in and day out. Rain/ shine/ cold /aloof / clouds or humidity.
I wish I could believe so hard, in that way.

Z as in Zinnia

Life is like a seasonal garden , one minute your contemplating the tulips/daffodils/hyacinths/ perfectly pink tree blossoms in Madison Square park and before you can say z is for zinnia, the daisys and black eyed susans have started their dance around the lampost . And the perfectly potted petunias are doin the petulant trail downards towards the sidewalks of NYC.

The Iris's are spent and resting in stalks, the chrysanthymums are threatening to flower their dark brooding fall blooms, but those colorful zinnia's are coloring their way through the dog days of summers in a profusion of colorful perfection.
Never losing their hyperactive enthusiasm for all things colorful.
And blooming everywhere and in between, changing mediocre patches of space in the process.

I've spotted zinnias in pretty clay pots at the Bryant park flower shop and behind a large metal gate on a random Lexington ave corner.
I've also noticed them setting up shop in quaint summer cottages along the Jersey Shore and nestling loudly in a patch of grass near a lighthouse.
When I grow up I definitely want to be like the zinnias.

Perfectly Poised and Posing in Turquoise

There is nothing like a perfectly poised turqoise light fixture posing eloquently in a random NYC park, to help place hyperactive perspectives under a whole new light.

It just paints light fixtures and lighthouse life fixers in a whole new shade of aqua like color

Why the dearth of really good daddy's ?
I'm not so sure that the age old religious directive to follow in the footsteps of the overly friendly fruitflies and "Be Fruitful and Multiply" everywhere, is actually a universally applicable policy and procedure thing.
Did G-d include breeding on everyones life to do list ?
Are dysfunctional fathers fixable.
Letter of the law daddys programmed to connect with no spirit in sight are about as fun and deep as letter of the figuretive law husbands that are programmed to purchase flowers every friday.

To all the really good daddies out there, especially the one's that i've come across over the years, thank you for working so hard and daddying soo good.

As much as I would love to think that Aunti-ing is the most important part of a kids life, I know good daddies are probally way more important.

OK, I also know at the end of the day there really is only one father namely G-d, that I technically should be filing my complaints/ concerns/cryings and confidings with.Its just so hard depending on Gd when the answers are just as ambiguous and or flexible as the questions.

Its easier to keep on acquiring new daddies here on earth, on an as needed basis .