The price of enlightening lanterns/prayer/hyper and joyless jostling

So aside from the contradicting connotations associated with Paying For The Ability To Pray, I havent been able to sit in a synagogue for many years mostly cuz I have "the attention span of a watermelon pit".(metaphor thanks in full to happily married ex boyfriend Sh. , who coined that phrase one night in exasperation mode)
Usually I do adderall for focusing but I've run out of it and havent been able to employ the benefits of a drugged up personality-less self for Rosh Hashanaing.
So I just managed to mouth some Aveinu Malkeinus before sunset yesterday.
I'm feeling sort of saddened that I have no spiritual strength or faith to will more prayer mouthing and or should've made the effort to listen to a shofar blowing somewhere.

My father would not approve.

I didnt even get a friendly reminder call this year, I think he gave up on my spirituality which is kinda sadder and uplifting in a religion is for rigid pea brains resistant to plasticity anyway kind of way .

He is brilliant, but never understood that his caring about my spirituality doesnt really affect my spiritual-less self much.Neither did his friendly reminder calls before major holidays and fasts.

I guess I've developed a more acute sense of disillusioned dissarray since I've been jostling my sense of spirituality around diligently and religiously and have managed to jiggle and niggle my soul to a precarious and ambiguous point of general disenchantment.Which is an annoying state of enchantment to function under.
And there are no summs of many awes creating any sense of awesome or even awe inducing.
None.
Oh except my little baby nephew's expression when contemplating the tall patch of colorful zinnias from his little perch on the grass patch.Total unadulterated awe. And then he put his hyper/ trusting little self down to rest on my shoulders, his eyes drooping from tiredness.
Life is tiring like that, but baby nephews are adorable,I dont even need kids really.

Happy Holy Holidays !