Monday, January 28, 2008

A running reminder for the runner in all of us

Its always important to stop and read what the pointedly pedestrian/sometimes piercing and or poignant signs in the city are trying to tell you.

Like the purported purpose ever piece of grass (crab or otherwise) supposedly lives for, every sneaker and sweatshirt probally has its purpose in the fabulous and fashionable life of everyday fashion sportswear .

And their personal manufacturer is here to help you achieve that purpose by combining their mission statement with your mission statement!

Its a whole new level of "mutually beneficial relationship".

Procrastination is so the losers of last game season.

Running in style is always in style and never a non- winnner.

There is nothing quite so refreshing as a brisk run, the other way, exceptions may apply.

Also, "Blackberry Tart n Tasteful Retorting buddy" this tart shoutout is for you :

GET ADDERALL Yesterday !!!! = you will be much more focused/ successful and probally happier.

This last pro-stimulant and medicinal sentence has been sponsored by the Artfully Tart and Bitterly Abrupt association for complicated living loving and running.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Non-Crumble Annoying Flavored Humble Pie

pictured above : my favorite Macy's window before the holiday season . This is the kind of dinner table and views I'm trying to incorporate with a concerted emphasis on alcohol though (no connection to any kind of humble pie when i photographed this picture i didnt even know what humble pie was ) .

Non-crumble Annoying flavored Humble Pie

Serves: one self /10 close friends /leftovers can be used for pie in the prick's face throwings, without actually being classified as revenge.

As many of you might know, baking and cooking are activites I generally file under " a complete waste of creative or any kind of energy" .
Over the weekend though I came across the most annoying non-crumble flavored Humble Pie recipe I have ever swallowed and my first thought was to share it with anyone that has bitter pills to swallow.
This just tastes so much more annoying than the ordinary bitter pills of questionable origin.
Its a whole new flavor of innately annoying !!

You will need the following ingredients :

A mean individual that has wronged you.
The exact reasons in legal english.
Reasons why you are so right, your brain hurts when you think about it.
Hardcore Proof of above.
Reasons why clearly the individual is wrong on many levels.
More hardcore proof . Loopholes and legal clauses in your favor.
A brilliant dedicated hardcore caring lawyer that you've known forever and then some.
A hard-cover bible with a bookmark.
A large bag of grudge free mushrooms.
Ego flavored egg nog.

Mix all of the ingredients together until you have the brilliant lawyer outlining the perfect sue n win or threaten n win process.
Discuss for long hours until all facts are so blatant its impossible not to win.
Close your eyes and suck in the moments of what it would feel like to win and ruin those that have wronged you in the process.
Focus particularly on how much fun it would be to blackmail the mean, scare the self assured and make humble crumbs of used sugar out of haughty cotton candy twisters.
Have Hawaii and Alaska brochures handy for picturesque "moving on" ideas.
Open eyes and place hard-cover bible in hand, flip non-flippantly to the bookmarked section in Leviticus , where it states oh so simply “do not take revenge” .
Scatter a bag of grudge free flavored mushrooms carelessly into the mix.
Take the ego flavored egg nog Mix generously with strong bottles of strawberry flavored Smirnoff for irony.
Swallow hard often, as many times as needed .
Then do ecstacy/adderall/benadryl/red bull n vodka and a few coke sniffs, you can skip this step if you're more of a straighlaced thrill seeker .
And then take both of your strong willed legs and the stubborn brain and just move on.

Emotional flavors and reactions do differ from serving to serving and depend on the individual end user.
If you are allergic to spiritual logic, please consult your emotional authorities before eating.
There are other options, like the looseleaf bible that can be used in place of the hardcover bible.
Which allows for more freedom of expression and free will.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Enlightening Lanterns/Bitter Pretend-Tungsten Barriers

When life gets disconcertingly dim, and "insubordination" is a problem, throw all barriers to the bitter winds blustering around,specifically tall pseudo frum aluminum pretending to be erudite responsible know it all hardcore tungsten barriers.
These barriers should be second guessed /twisted apart often until they understand how non-tungsten and twistable/ bendable and mockable their reasonings and reasons are.
Its best to just focus on finding those elusive enlightened lanterns and cheery ruby red ribboned holiday wreaths always within reach.
Your success should never hinge on the banal barriers ,miserable, medicore,literally lazy,sincerely stupid, innately insecure self centered screwballs,that have self screwed their miserable selves into well positioned, positions that allow for the screwing of others based on half truths and whole tall tales and well disguised insecurities with hardly a second guessing !!!!!
Does the torah have any opinion on creative revenge ?
Its just so fucking unfair.

Rhyming on the Rocks

I noticed this fully faceted poetic gem by "rhymin shimon" twinkling in the "fuck frumkeit " comment thread and decided to post it in its own little place.

Please note, i've confirmed that some of the facts of life and modes of transportation and parts of the metaphor have been changed to protect the privacy of the prick in the poem and entertain those that have not fallen so deep, that they have lost the ability to laugh hard.
No I personally dont think any kind of pricks frum or otherwise (but especially frum ones) deserve privacy, but who am I to question the prick privacy policy of brilliant poets.
And "rhymin shimon" who apparently has acquired himself a whole religious sounding name is very considerate of others, prick or otherwise.
And I do think "rhymin shimon" his religious name nothwithstanding, deserves a standing ovation and lots of wholehearted accolading/ halo serenading and thank you ing for this poetic piece of iridescent erudition.
I guess the lesson of the evening is, no matter how hard you get fucked in life its best not to fuck back even if that feels better . I'm not sure if praying to G-d to make sure those that have wronged you are fucked for life is ok either.
"Not that there is anything wrong with that"
To the tall frum prick of last thursday yeah you know who the fuck you are oh and the frum rabbi who thinks a little too highly of his dim selfish self -
Fuck You both - May the fake foothold of frumkeit you guys wear so self assuredly fuck you over in unexpected ways.
And as for you tall prick, may your tall tales shorten the shelf life of the respect, you suprisingly command of others.
This goes for the respect you attract for no special reason too.
And may all the tall tales you fabricate and false facts/impressions & images you wish to perpetuate wither like plucked weeds in a hardcore caring flower garden.
I'm just a little sick and tired of sneaky frum pricks and screwballs.

And withou further fuckado here is "Rhymin Shimon's" poetic piece

A man once wore a charcoal suit;
A hat of darkest black.
Yet it pricked his conscience not to
Throw bright crystals off the track.
He would weave her and deceive her
Gaily friendly -- then withdraw
Not fargining jaded loopholes
That the girl collecter saw.
And then this phony faker,
This ebony-clad fraud
Waited for a sneaky chance --
The tzaddik was abroad!
So he threw the crystals out
Stamped them into shards and dust!
And he laughed and stuck his hat on
And took home the frummy bus.
But as he walked from shul to home
That fateful fickle night
Some sparkling challah flour flew
Out from a window, flakey white!
It cascaded 'cross the city
Covered Broadway, east to Park
Then it floated on to Jersey
Like a dusty yoshon spark.
And it landed on a thousand dented Borsalino lids
And some Stetsons and a Roche On some beaver-covered Yids --
And in Boro Park and Flatbush And in Lakewood;
Monsey too Out in crusty old Passaic
And the Five Town through and through
All those up-hats, and the down-hats
All that inky-black-dark felt --
All were coated with that flour Brushes couldn't get it out.
All the broken-hearted black hats
Now were sprinkled flour'y white
But of all the hats in all the towns
Not a one could match the sight
Of that sneaky, sniveling, long-limbed creep
Who had trod that jaded jewel,
Who had worked so hard to make her seem
A vapid silly fool.
But when Jaded tossed the challah dough
Like the ash that Moses threw,
No black head had turned quite so white
As on this phony heartless Jew,
Who went home and brushed and scraped and rinsed
But could not get out that white
Like a plague from ancient times that fell
On one who won't do right.
And 'twas Jaded who baked up that spell
And cursed his dark chapeau
And now she sits and sips a drink
And forgets her curs-ed foe.

Rhymed/Typed and Reasoned by "Rhymin Shimon"

Jaded Topaz disclaimer : any resemblance your tryin to read from this and or connect to any real life pricks is probally purely coincidental.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Fuck Frumkeit

Let it just go fly A faraway kite to never never land.
Happy New Year.
So I think the perfect theme for 2008 or at least part of the proverbial perfect theme is "fuck frumkeit",and its fun to say too !
I would also like to take this opportunity,to start the beginning of a fresh, focused and frumkeit free new year with a thank you note. This thank you note goes out in particular to all the. condescending,haughty meanspirited,innately insecure and utterly fake frummies that have somehow descended their way into my life over the years for whatever reasons.All of you in particular have been my inspiration for this unique "fuck frumkeit" theme.I couldn't have learnt what I did without you pious saints gone screwy.

The sincerely sneaky saintly screwballs were quite the lesson conveyers.The smooth jazz lessons of misplaced piety is the gift that keeps on teaching.
I want to especially thank a particular pious screwball who taught me all I need to know about corrupt frumkeit and the saint like traits of sincerely frum screwballs. I couldn't have shaped my perspectives without you. And for this I am ever grateful.

Its a shame most of you probally won't ever even read this note of sincere hakaros hatov.

"fuck frumkeit"is the new spiritual reawakening.

May the new year be the kind of year you want it to be.