Monday, January 21, 2008

Non-Crumble Annoying Flavored Humble Pie

pictured above : my favorite Macy's window before the holiday season . This is the kind of dinner table and views I'm trying to incorporate with a concerted emphasis on alcohol though (no connection to any kind of humble pie when i photographed this picture i didnt even know what humble pie was ) .

Non-crumble Annoying flavored Humble Pie

Serves: one self /10 close friends /leftovers can be used for pie in the prick's face throwings, without actually being classified as revenge.

As many of you might know, baking and cooking are activites I generally file under " a complete waste of creative or any kind of energy" .
Over the weekend though I came across the most annoying non-crumble flavored Humble Pie recipe I have ever swallowed and my first thought was to share it with anyone that has bitter pills to swallow.
This just tastes so much more annoying than the ordinary bitter pills of questionable origin.
Its a whole new flavor of innately annoying !!

You will need the following ingredients :

A mean individual that has wronged you.
The exact reasons in legal english.
Reasons why you are so right, your brain hurts when you think about it.
Hardcore Proof of above.
Reasons why clearly the individual is wrong on many levels.
More hardcore proof . Loopholes and legal clauses in your favor.
A brilliant dedicated hardcore caring lawyer that you've known forever and then some.
A hard-cover bible with a bookmark.
A large bag of grudge free mushrooms.
Ego flavored egg nog.

Directions:
Mix all of the ingredients together until you have the brilliant lawyer outlining the perfect sue n win or threaten n win process.
Discuss for long hours until all facts are so blatant its impossible not to win.
Close your eyes and suck in the moments of what it would feel like to win and ruin those that have wronged you in the process.
Focus particularly on how much fun it would be to blackmail the mean, scare the self assured and make humble crumbs of used sugar out of haughty cotton candy twisters.
Have Hawaii and Alaska brochures handy for picturesque "moving on" ideas.
Open eyes and place hard-cover bible in hand, flip non-flippantly to the bookmarked section in Leviticus , where it states oh so simply “do not take revenge” .
Scatter a bag of grudge free flavored mushrooms carelessly into the mix.
Take the ego flavored egg nog Mix generously with strong bottles of strawberry flavored Smirnoff for irony.
Swallow hard often, as many times as needed .
Then do ecstacy/adderall/benadryl/red bull n vodka and a few coke sniffs, you can skip this step if you're more of a straighlaced thrill seeker .
And then take both of your strong willed legs and the stubborn brain and just move on.

Emotional flavors and reactions do differ from serving to serving and depend on the individual end user.
If you are allergic to spiritual logic, please consult your emotional authorities before eating.
There are other options, like the looseleaf bible that can be used in place of the hardcover bible.
Which allows for more freedom of expression and free will.

5 comments:

Ry said...

First time I ever saw cocaine being mentioned in a recipe for humility! But maybe you just don't remember the '80's...

Anonymous said...

Humble pie tastes better when sprinkled generously with bitter baggage and other life spices...

Ry said...

Still can't get past what a funny post this is. The title is so brilliant I just come back to read it over and over again! A recipe for mirth!

Jaded Topaz said...

ry,
cocaine and humility can give you quite the high.
Its like vodka and red bull only more potent !
let me know if you need any recipes for relationship enhancing cocktails.I've got quite the list of cocktails perfect for any kind of occasion and desire.
Life is so short. You have to drink in as many perfect moments as you can. And spend the night often with those you love.You never how dim the sun will be shining in the morning.
Lost opportunities never come around again.
They cannot be found in mystical lost and found kiruv associations either. Just saying.

Bitter Baggage is the only spice I go with these days. It just tastes so right on everything and for all occasions whether its fine dining or scenic route eat n runs.
Ironic n tart tonic is great for drinking if ure thirsty.
Heartwarming chicken soup for the soul is soooo last century.
Its all about bitter bitten and biting these days ;-)

Jaded Topaz said...

Anonymous, that second part of the comment was for you !